Go Go Dancing Breakfast Bars

Count down: 158 days left, 59 recipes down and  56 to go.

So the Thug Kitchen To-Go Breakfast Bars (p. 16) really are the all-singing all-dancing bars. These little crunchy bastards will see you through every single possible situation.

You need breakfast to go? These bars got you covered.

A hungry four-year-old whining in your face? Got you covered as well.

Feeling randomly snacky? Grab a bar.

The revolution has started and you need to flee suddenly? These bastards will fit easily in your backpack alongside your first aid kit.

Zombie apocalypse? These breakfast bars will see you through till you can get to your safe house (where obviously you have been stashing canned goods for several years).

Whatever the case, you need these scrumptious bars in your life. They will simplify things, because they really are a convenient food, but made in a ‘from scratch’ sorta way.

I started by choosing a bunch of seeds and nuts to throw in there. I had black sesame seeds, flax seeds and sunflower seeds on hand, so that went in along with some almonds and walnuts that I chopped with such grace and finesse that I astounded myself. Shortly afterwards, I accidentally broke a bowl, but I guess the universe has a way of restoring balance. Call it karma, call it the All-Seeing Eye, or call it coincidence and clumsiness; however you choose to view the situation, let’s just say that it brought me back down to earth again.

I got out the quinoa and millet and other weird and wonderful ingredients that the bars called for. I chose red quinoa because I thought it would look better, and because I feel like if these all-singing, all-dancing bars could talk they would know their worth and demand that only the best shit possible be involved. These bars were elevating my kitchen game to some whole other level. And you know what? I liked it.

Once they had been toasted in all the right ways, I threw in the other stuff and set it aside. I used raisins instead of dried cranberries, because nearly every household I know has a bag of raisins lying around somewhere. I then mixed up all the goopy stuff and melted it all together in a saucepan. At first it looked fairly gross, but it also smelled amazing so my brain wasn’t sure how to feel about these mixed signals.

All the dry stuff was combined and ready to go so then it was just a matter of combining the two.

I put it in the pan and squashed it all down like the Thugs said to do. I was eager to see how it would turn out, so I stuffed it in the oven and washed up all the shit I’d used to make it with. A clean kitchen is a clean mind. (let’s pretend that’s true)

Once this amazingness was in the oven, the whole house started smelling like the inside of the house that Hansel and Gretel found in the woods, minus the wicked witch. The next day I sniffed the jumper I’d worn the day before (as you do…) and it smelled like home-baked cookies. Seriously, if you could bottle that smell as a perfume I think there would be a market for that shit. Thug Kitchen could start their own fragrance line. Just beware of anything spiked with hot sauce scent.

It came out of the oven looking a light golden brown. I actually suspect that I gave it five minutes too long, but I don’t even care. When I sliced it, some of it crumbled off, but it was cool, because I just saved those bits and sprinkled on top of stuff as a granola. Like I said, this shit is versatile! The all-singing, all-dancing breakfast food!

Seriously, you need this stuff in your life, like you need a cocktail in your hand. It is essential to your wellbeing. And I’m sure you can make all kinds of weird and wonderful combinations. The Thugs suggest you store it in the fridge, but I kept mine in a Tupperware on the kitchen counter and it’s still good.

They’re great to keep for yourself, or they’re great to gift to those random people you gift shit to in your life…You know the ones: Neighbours, family, parole officers…They’re very crunchy and chewy, so it’s like a mini-workout for your jaw muscles. And this has some major benefits. Not only will you likely end up with a more streamlined neck and jaw line, you can also stuff one in Aunt Sally’s mouth to shut her up so you can enjoy a moment of peace and quiet while she works her way through this crunchy seeded fucker. I find this works especially well with elderly relatives as they then have to go clean out their dentures, which again buys you some extra time. Speaking of biding your time, this miracle bar can also be used as a great delay tactic when you need to think up a plausible or tactful answer to an awkward question. Strongly recommended for use with parole officers during interrogation. (Small print: alibis are sold separately)